


Toki’s journal

by zsomeone



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Diary/Journal, Hypnotism, M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-14
Updated: 2010-06-14
Packaged: 2018-03-16 21:12:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3502916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zsomeone/pseuds/zsomeone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Summary from <a href="http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/zsomeone/17730743/63716/63716_original.jpg">fake journal version</a>:<br/>Toki’s private lj entries as he chronicles a problem he has with Skwisgaar.<br/>I’ve tried to recreate a journal page, but of course it’s not completely accurate. But since it’s a journal, the oldest entries are at the bottom. It will make a lot more sense if you start there. And of course, the links don’t actually work.</p>
<p>This posted here is just the text file I made that from, but unlike the pic, it can be read from top to bottom.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Toki’s journal

Apr 3rd, 2010 4:34 PM  
I’m going to keep an account of this, in case something goes wrong. I figured out the private setting so I don’t have to worry about people reading this.  
My order came today, the hypnosis tape. I don’t think it will really work, but I’m going to try it anyway. It says to play it while he sleeps. It can’t be that easy, can it?  
I’ll do it tonight.

If I’m going to write this down at all, I should explain. I want to fuck Skwisgaar, I’ve wanted that for a long time now. He doesn’t want me because I’m a guy. So I got this tape that will make him think I’m a girl. He calls me one half the time anyway, so maybe it will work.  
It’s a good plan.

Apr 4th, 2010 11:42 AM  
I checked on him this morning, he’s acting weird. Something happened but I don’t know what. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t think I’m a girl though.

Apr 4th, 2010 3:24 PM  
Oh shit, something went really wrong! Why do these things always happen to me? I’m pretty sure he was flirting with Nathan. Nathan didn’t notice, that’s good. I have to get him out of the haus before they notice, they’ll kill me if I turned Skwisgaar into a girl! I can’t let them find out. I’ll ask the manager to get us a hotel room. Someplace I can hide him until I can fix this.

Apr 7th, 2010 5:19 PM  
We’re finally at the hotel, it’s nice. I brought my laptop so I can keep up with this. The last two days were really hard, trying to keep him acting normal. I had to refuse to let him out of his room until he took off one of those explode me shirts, don’t know where he got it. He’s not really a girl, but he thinks he is. Why do all the girls go for Nathan?  
They probably all think we’re fucking now. They think that’s why we’re here. I don’t care. I did this so I could fuck him, but that’s probably not going to happen now. I had to drag him away to make him stop flirting with Nathan. He sulked for hours.  
I just have to keep him in this room.

Apr 9th, 2010 2:07 PM  
He wants a bikini, what am I supposed to do? There’s no way he can pass for a girl. I know we tease him, but he’s a man. And he flirts. Don’t know why I’m surprised, Skwisgaar’s a slut as a guy, why would that change? I’d fuck him, even though that wasn’t what I had in mind when I started this. But he doesn’t want me, and I’m not going to rape him.

Apr 10th, 2010 1:45 PM  
I bought him a damn bikini to shut him up. From the gift shop downstairs, I had to try them on for fit. I never want to do that again. He’s so happy with it, posing to show off. Maybe he thinks he has tits now, I don’t want to ask. He wants to go to the pool. I don’t know how long I can stall him.  
I can’t let him go out like that.

Apr 12, 2010 9:56 PM  
He still responds to his name, that’s good. He still masturbates, I hear him in the bathroom, but I have no idea how that works in his head. Deprived of sex, he’s finally starting to show an interest in me. I guess I’m his last resort? Why did I ever expect anything else?  
He let me kiss him earlier, and it was pretty great. Maybe when he gets desperate enough he’ll let me do more! That would be protecting him, in a way. Keeping everyone from finding out that  
Shit. Hiding what I did to him. But if I have to fuck him to keep him from hitting on random guys, I will.

Apr 15h, 2010 11:37 PM  
Okay, I tried to fuck him. That didn’t go so well. He was fine until I tried to put my finger in him, then he freaked out. He started yelling at me about he wasn’t going to let me put it there, as if there’s anywhere else it could go. He drank a lot an passed out. I jacked off in the shower again. This sucks!

Apr 17th, 2010 8:11 PM  
We’ve been here a week now. He’s been keeping me too busy to write much, he’s been trying to escape. I still have no idea how to fix this. Last night he wanted to go out to a restaurant. That wasn’t the problem, he wanted to wear a dress. He doesn’t even have one, as far as I know. There’s no way he can pass for a girl in a dress. His hair is pretty enough, but his face and body are very male. I finally agreed if he’d wear regular clothes. He did, but put on makeup. Where did he get that? I didn’t buy I for him, he must have snuck out while I was sleeping. I hope he didn’t fuck anyone. It’s okay for guys to wear eyeliner stuff, so I let him.  
It was nice to get out of the damn hotel room, but he kept hitting on the waiter. When we got back, he jumped me for a change. Except he still won’t let me fuck him. This is driving me crazy, I’m going to pick up some girl while he’s passed out or something, I can’t take any more of this.

Apr 18th, 2010 11:59 PM  
I FUCKED SKWISGAAR SKWIGELF!!!!!

Apr 21st, 2010 10:28 AM  
I can’t keep up with him, he never gets enough! Sure it feels great, but there’s only so much I can take and he won’t leave me alone. I can only write this now because he’s passed out again. My dick hurts, I’m not used to this much sex. This has to be hurting him, I need to stop it, but he wants more and I can’t refuse. I’m being as careful as I can, I don’t want to hurt him. I try to resist, but he wears me down every time. And I want it.  
I have to find a way to fix this, but I can’t think of anything. I tried telling him he’s a guy, he won’t believe me! What does he think his dick is? Girls don’t have those.  
Shit, he just woke up

Apr 23rd, 2010 4:09 PM  
I don’t know what to do anymore. We can’t stay here forever.  
In a way, it’s my fantasies come true, except I never thought I’d be the one fucking him. I thought it would be me, and I would have let him. He sometimes still asks me if we have to do it that way, I tell him yes. And sometimes I think he thinks he has a pussy. I don’t want to ask.

Apr 26th, 2010 5:31 PM  
Just kill me. Skwisgaar has decided he’s pregnant, since he hasn’t gotten his period. He’s freaking out about it. I try to tell him that there’s no way he’s pregnant, but he won’t believe me. I’m starting to think I’m going to have to tell the manager, I don’t know what else to do. I could just give him my password and let him read all this I’ve wrote.  
Fuck, he’s puking again. He really thinks he’s pregnant.

Apr 30th, 2010 1:43 PM  
I told him I’d marry him. I can’t marry him, but he was freaking out too bad. I tried to tell him again, I said Skwisgaar you’re not a girl! He still won’t believe me. Then he said that I don’t love him. I’ve never said I loved him! I do feel something for him, but I don’t think it’s love.

I just checked. He’s eating pickles straight from the jar and watching Oprah. Great, that’s just going to give him more to whine about. I’m never getting married, I can’t take this shit.

May 2nd, 2010 11:28 PM  
We set a wedding date. I don’t want to play along with this, but I don’t know what else to do. He cries. He cries all the fucking time now. I can’t handle it. He’s trying to pick out baby names. I’ll never have kids, I can’t do this. I’m trying to be supportive. I know he’s not pregnant. I know this is all my fault. He doesn’t even practice his guitar anymore, he just watches bad tv and cries. And wants more sex.

May 5th, 2010 12:13 PM  
Well, the wedding is off. I bought him a pregnancy test, I didn’t know what else to do! Of course it was negative. He’s acting more normal again now that he knows. Still like a girl, but not like a pregnant one.

But the counter girl recognized me, so I’m in more trouble now. It will probably be on the news, that Toki Wartooth buys pregnancy tests in the middle of the night. I’m going to have to call the manager now, I don’t have a choice anymore. Besides, I’m no closer to fixing things.

May 6th, 2010 10:29 AM  
I’m probably fired.  
I called the manager today and told him what I did. I gave him my password. He’s probably reading this right now. If so, I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry. I never meant for this to happen.

May 9th, 2010 6:15 PM  
We’re home. I’m in my room alone. I don’t know where Skwisgaar is, they took him somewhere. It feels weird to be alone after being with him all the time for so long. I don’t want to talk to anybody.

May 11th, 2010 10:52 PM  
Skwisgaar came to my room earlier. Whatever I did to him, they fixed it. I can tell he’s Skwisgaar again, the old Skwisgaar. He didn’t stay long, I think he just wanted to look at me. I think he hates me, and I deserve it.

They’re going to kick me out, I know they are. Was it worth it? Fuck, I don’t know. It wasn’t what I intended at all. The look he gave me, it breaks my heart.  
Fuck, maybe I do love him a little.

May 12th, 2010 7:19 PM  
I’m still here. I don’t know for how long. I’ve been avoiding them all, mostly staying in my room. I can’t face them. Skwisgaar is avoiding me too. I guess he’s really mad, since he thought I got him pregnant and all that. I guess he forgot about begging me to marry him. I guess he forgot about all the sex we had. Or maybe he’s just pretending? Maybe he doesn’t even remember? I don’t know anything anymore.

May 14th, 2010 5:26 PM  
We had practice today, I couldn’t avoid them. I don’t think the others know what really happened, I don’t think the manager told them. They act the same. Maybe they think we just went on vacation or something? Maybe they just really don’t care? Maybe I’m still in the band? But Skwisgaar’s different to me now. It’s hard to pretend I don’t know what he feels like on the inside, hard to pretend he never screamed my name. He did though.   
And I liked it.

May 17th, 2010 4:12 PM  
I’m just going to stay in my room today. Skwisgaar talked to me earlier, he said he wants to fuck me for revenge. I know that’s what I wanted, but not like that. Not because he hates me. But would that make us even? If I let him, will everything be like it was? Would he be gentle or would he hurt me? I could take the pain, at least I think I could. I never should have bought that tape.

May 19th, 2010 8:37 PM  
I let him. My ass hurts so bad now, did I hurt him this much? He never acted like it hurt. I’m pretty sure I’m bleeding, but I’m scared to check. Are we even now? Is it over? I don’t know. I hope I don’t die from this, if that even really happens.

May 19th, 2010 9:21 PM  
I’m okay. The manager read that and made me go to the doctor. It was blood, but it was just  
I don’t remember what he called it. But it won’t kill me. He didn’t do any serious damage. Oh well, it’s not worse that what I’ve done to him. I wish I could take it all back, and at the same time I wish it could have gone on forever. He wanted me, he needed me. Nobody’s ever done that before. I ruined everything.

May 2nd, 2010 9:57 AM  
Last night Skwisgaar came to my room. I was asleep, I woke up to find him there. He was naked. I didn’t want to do it, it hurt so much last time. But I had to, after all I did to him. It still hurt, but not like before. He was nicer this time. And then it started to feel really good, I didn’t expect that. He never said a word to me, and when it was over he just left.

May 25th, 2010 11:02 PM  
He came to me again. I can’t resist him any more than I could in the hotel room. I owe him. This can’t go on, but I can’t stop. I can’t tell him to stop. He takes what he wants then leaves me to clean up the mess. And he won’t let me fuck him again. He won’t even talk to me.

May 29th, 2010 10:50 Am  
I think I might leave. I’m not gay, I never was. It was only Skwisgaar, there’s just something about him. I’ve never been attracted to any other guy. But it’s too much, he keeps coming back for more. I can’t keep letting him fuck me, but I can’t turn him away. All I can think to do is leave. I have no idea where I’ll go.

May 29th, 2010 11:09 PM  
I keep forgetting the manager has my password. I’ve been put under guard to keep me from leaving. He shouldn’t be able to do this!  
The guard doesn’t keep Skwisgaar out.

May 30th, 2010 8:53 AM  
I don’t think he wants me to like it, that’s not why he’s doing it. He’s punishing me, just using me. I guess that’s what he thinks I did to him. I never meant it that way, I just fucked everything up. We were friends, I think. But not now, not anymore. He hates me and I deserve his hatred. But I miss how things used to be, I wish I could take it all back.

Jun 1st, 2010 10:29 PM  
Tonight I finally pushed him away, I just can’t do it anymore. He didn’t give up easy, he kept trying to take my pants off. I shoved him off the bed. He got up and left, he looked so mad.

I’ve ruined everything. I fucked up the band. I lost my friend. I can’t take any more of this, I just can’t. I’m too depressed to even cry.

Jun 14th, 2010 7:43 PM  
They gave me my laptop back tonight. I’ve been locked up on suicide watch for the last two weeks, it sucked. Fine, I admit that wasn’t the best idea I’ve ever had, but I just didn’t know what else to do anymore. I’m not going to kill myself. Why should I get off that easy? I’m not supposed to say things like that.

They made me talk to Skwisgaar, it was really hard to do. I think it’s over now. I don’t know where we stand with each other, but I think it’s over. We have to regain some kind of working relationship for the sake of the band. The band is all that matters.  
I’m done with this stupid journal crap, it’s done nothing but cause me trouble.


End file.
